


Fool's Paradise

by Marmoniel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Projecting my own mental illnesses on fictional characters since 1882, Remus has psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-10 14:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17427410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marmoniel/pseuds/Marmoniel
Summary: “My magic’s not working today,” Sirius heard as soon as she walked into the dorm. He could see a curled up lump on Remus’ bed, the voice muffled from coming through the curve of the other boy’s body.“Everyone has off days, Moony,” Sirius replied, thinking quickly.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> CW for talk of delusions  
> Thanks for reading!

“My magic’s not working today,” Sirius heard as soon as she walked into the dorm. He could see a curled up lump on Remus’ bed, the voice muffled from coming through the curve of the other boy’s body.

“Everyone has off days, Moony,” Sirius replied, thinking quickly.

“Okay, but we have that transfiguration test tomorrow and if I can’t cast this spell by then, I’m fucked.” Remus said, somehow managing to curl into an even tighter ball.

Remus had schizoaffective disorder, a mental disorder on the schizophrenia spectrum.

For him this resulted mostly in delusions, with the occasional auditory or visual hallucination. His delusions were believing in things like that they were all enrolled in a magic school, that Remus was a werewolf, that everyone wanted to hurt him, that he couldn’t sleep or he’d be abducted by aliens, that music held secret coded messages, or a variety of other colourful ones.

Remus had beaten the statistics, and developed schizoaffective disorder at age 13 (several years earlier than usual) and had managed to keep it a secret from his friends for over a year, though Sirius and James had been concerned that Remus had been doing drugs.

Eventually though, with help from Lily Evans of all people, Remus told them about it, and Sirius had immediately thrown himself into helping Remus. With many questions about how he could help, and hours of Googling, as well as a few years of experience under his belt, Sirius was a certified Remus wrangler and had a menagerie of tips and tricks to help his boyfriend.

Sirius walked over and sat down on Remus’ bed and rubbed his hand up and down Remus’ back, the other boy reluctantly leaning into the touch.

“Rem, look at me please?” Sirius said, and Remus uncurled a little, allowing Sirius to see his tear-streaked face. Sirius’ heart broke a little seeing his boyfriend so upset.

“There are those beautiful eyes of yours,” he said, lifting his hand to Remus’ cheek. “I’m sure if you explain to McGonagall she’ll understand, And if she’s a dick about it, I’ll kick her ass!"

As Remus’ head of house and the person in charge of his well-being while he was at Hogwarts boarding school, McGonagall was well informed of Remus’ schizoaffective and could be counted on to be understanding about it. If Remus went up to her saying his magic wasn’t working, could he please take the test another day, she’d definitely play along, knowing to argue with the delusion would just upset Remus.

“I don’t want to cause a fuss,” Remus said.

“You won’t, love. McGoo loves you anyway, you’re the teacher’s pet. Least she can do is give you an extension.” Sirius said.

Remus sniffled, so Sirius reached over to the table between their beds and grabbed a few tissues out of the box and offered them to Remus, who took them gratefully.

“Come on, love, worst she can say is no.” Sirius said.

Remus closed his eyes for a few moments, and seemed to think it over.

“Yeah,” He said. “Yeah, okay. Let me clean myself up a bit first though.”

“Take as long as you need.” Sirius said.

 

A few minutes later, Remus emerged from the bathroom. The tear tracks were gone, as was the snot, and while Remus’ face was looking a little better, his eyes were still puffed up and his face was a few shades redder than normal. Sirius could see some water shining from where Remus hadn’t dried his face properly, but Sirius thought his boyfriend looked as handsome as ever.

“Shall we be off then?” Sirius said, leaping to his feet.

“We shall,” Remus said, managing a small smile at his boyfriend’s antics.

As they walked down the stairs side-by-side, Sirius held Remus’ hand, which both of them knew was just as much for Remus’ balance as it was for romantic reasons. There had been multiple instances of Remus falling down the steep staircase, luckily only getting away with minor injuries each time.

“Do you want me to come into McGonagall’s office with you?” Sirius asked when they were nearby.

“Thank you love, but it’s okay.” Remus said, who had seemed to gather himself a bit on the walk so far.

“Sure thing. Just yell if you need me to come to your rescue.” Sirius said.

“Oh please Sirius, protect me from our terrifying 62 year old teacher,” Remus said, rolling his eyes slightly.

“I’ve said if before and I’ll say it again, old McGonagall’s got hidden strength underneath all those wrinkled. That time I was standing on the table in the Great Hall and she grabbed my arm and pulled me down, and I swear it left a bruise!” Sirius said, waving his free arm for emphasis.

“No, that’s just because you bruise easily,” Remus said, winking and smirking, causing Sirius to turn bright red.

Sirius thought that it must be a good sign if Remus was able to made sexual innuendos, even if they were at Sirius’ expense.

They reached McGonagall’s office and Sirius watched as Remus took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“Yes?” McGonagall’s voice sad, before she appeared at the door before Remus could answer, opening it.

“Ah, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black, I do hope you aren’t bringing any trouble to my door.” She said.  
McGonagall’s keen eyes looked them both over as she spoke, taking in Remus’ swollen eyes and the tense set of Sirius’ shoulders.

“I do solemnly swear we aren’t bringing any trouble with us,” Sirius said, after a few moments of silence from Remus. “Can’t guarantee it won’t just appear though.

McGonagall narrowed her eyes at Sirius but he could swear he saw one corner of her mouth uptick the slightest bit.

“I… uh, wanted to talk to you?” Remus said, his voice trailing off a bit at the end of his sentence.

“Of course, please come in Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black.” McGonagall opened the door wider and stepped to the side so they could get past her.

“I’ll be waiting out here, I think. And I will definitely not be setting any booby traps for when you’re done.” Sirius said.

He was aiming to get a laugh or even just a smile out of Remus and was rewarded with a smothered grin.

McGonagall looked at him as though she could see right through him. And she probably could, at that.

Remus entered her office, and the door shut behind him. Sirius waited a few second to make sure neither of them would come back out, and took his phone out, opening a group chat between him, James, and Peter.

‘Magic day today’ he messaged, using terms they'd come up with years ago when they'd found out about Remus' delusions.

In a matter of moments there were two thumbs up on his message, indicating they’d both seen it.

Sirius fiddled idly with his phone, waiting for Remus to come back out. Then he started thinking about what booby traps he could actually put down, but quickly concluded he didn’t have anything on him to pull it off. It was times like this where Sirius wished he was at a magic school, so he could whip up a quick prank.

After what seemed like an hour to Sirius’ bored mind, but was in reality only a few minutes, the door opened, and Remus stepped out.

“Thank you, Professor,” He said, turning back to face McGonagall.

“No worries at all, Mr. Lupin. Now, I’m afraid I have your essays from yesterday to mark, so I must get back to that. Pleasure to see you both.” She said, closing the door.

“All good?” Sirius said, taking Remus’ hand and swinging it as they walked.

“Yeah, she gave me an extension until my magic works again.” Remus said.

“Ah, so I was right!” Sirius said. “Dare I say, that I told you so?”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. This just means you have the test tomorrow and I don’t.” Remus said.

“I’m not worried, I have my natural intelligence and a swotty boyfriend to cheat off. I’ll pass it with flying colours.” Sirius said.

“There will be no cheating in this family, thank you very much!” Remus said.

“Come on Moony, as if you don’t cheat off me in chemistry. Get off your high horse, Mr. Tall Pants.” Sirius said, craning his head to look at his really fucking tall boyfriend. What the fuck.

“You mean potions?” Remus said.

“Yeah, whoops, sorry!”

“It’s not cheating, it’s using my resources and always pairing with you when we’re brewing.” Remus said.

“Cheeeating!” Sirius sang.

Remus rolled his eyes but didn’t argue any further.

“You up for Netflix and chilling but like actual chilling?” Sirius asked.

“Ooh yeah, we’re behind on The Good Place.” Remus said.

“Shall we swing by the kitchen and make some popcorn, then?”

Laden with popcorn and chocolate, Sirius and Remus settled on Sirius’ bed, wrapping themselves in his fluffy blankets.

As the opening credits for The Good Place rolled, Remus looked down at Sirius who was pressed into his side and kissed him gently.

“Thanks, Sirius.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius eyed his boyfriend’s lanky form beside him. Remus seemed off and Sirius knew exactly what was wrong with him.

“Alright, Rem?” He said.

“Hm? Yeah, fine.” Remus said, craning his neck to look behind them.

Sirius frowned and pulled Remus off to the side of the corridor, using their joined hands to guide him, and Peter and James fell in next to them, keeping others from looking in.

“Paranoia?” Sirius said simply, and Remus stopped looking around them to whip his head towards his boyfriend.

“How—” He said, eyes wide.

“I’m very clever,” Sirius said, smirking at Remus’ surprise. “Also, you’re very edgy and keep looking behind us, even though it’s just Pete and Jamie.”

“It’s because everyone’s trying to hurt me,” Remus said.

“Do you think me, Peter, and James are?” Sirius asked, trying to suss out where Remus’ head was. He doubted Remus did think that of them at that moment, because he wouldn’t normally stay so close to them if he did. But it certainly had happened before. It always felt like a punch in the gut when it was obvious Remus didn’t trust him, but he knew it wasn’t Remus’ fault.

“No! Of course not! You’d never hurt me! …Right?” Remus objected.

“Of course not, Rem.” Sirius said, squeezing the other boy’s hand in his. Peter and James also turned back and agreed with Sirius, unable to avoid hearing the conversation behind them, despite the loud hallway.

“Never, mate,” James said.

“Yeah, never,” Peter said.

“See?” Sirius said. “Now, we have history now, and James and Peter sit just behind us, so they can help watch your back, ok?”

Remus looked into Sirius’ eyes, as if to divine whether he was lying or not. He apparently decided Sirius was being truthful, as he nodded.

“Thanks, guys. Just be careful, they might hurt you to get to me.” He said.

“We’ll be on the lookout, right boys?” Sirius said, and Peter and James nodded.

With James and Peter walking closely behind Remus and Sirius, they all headed down the stairs to their chemistry classroom.

When they got there, they sat in their normal seats, with two people to a station, Sirius and Remus on one, and James and Peter one row back. Lily was at the table next to Remus, sitting with Marlene McKinnon.

In a school were most were one or two to a table, they all took turns sitting next to each other. In the classes they all had together at least, being History and English.

However, they had almost every class with one of the others in it, French statistics for Peter being the only exception. Close behind was Calculus for Remus, but he had Lily in it, who was in the know. In fact, she’d been the first person that Remus had told about his schizoaffective disorder. If only because she’d seen him in the midst of a panic attack due to a delusion, and he’d blurted out the truth in a moment of desperation to just let someone, anyone know his secret.

Their History class was spent with Remus doing his best to focus on actual schoolwork, but struggling due to both the paranoia as well as Professor Binns’ complete inability to teach.

Sirius made sure to keep an eye on Remus, but there was little he could do to help him deal with his paranoia. He cursed their first year selves for not choosing a table at the back. However, he did take detailed notes for Remus when the paranoia ceased, because he could see Remus was struggling to follow whatever the hell Binns was saying. So as boring as it was, Sirius focused intently on the lesson and at the end was rather happy at his several pages of scribbled notes.

Absently when the class was almost over, Sirius put his hand unthinkingly on Remus’ back to maybe help the other boy relax, but when Remus immediately tensed at the feeling, Sirius cursed himself internally. He knew Remus didn’t react to being touched on the back, shoulders, or neck or having his hand held too tightly when he was paranoid, he had just done it out of habit.

“Sorry,” he whispered, removing his hand from Remus’ back quickly.

Remus looked his way and gave a weak smile.

“It’s fine,” He said.

Sirius disagreed, but didn’t say anything else.

Finally the class ended, and the hungry children were released for the day. The Marauders immediately headed back to the dorm, recognising Remus wouldn’t feel safe anywhere else. Sirius met Lily’s eye as they left, shrugging at her a little to indicate Remus wasn’t feeling so good. She nodded at him, and left. Sirius assumed he’d get a text from her shortly asking what was up.

“Are you good for Dungeons and Dragons, Rem?” James asked when they got back to the dorm and had changed out of their uniforms, some of them, namely James just leaving his pooled out on the ground. “We can play in here again, no need to go to the normal spot.”

“If we stop DnD just for me, I will rip your spine out and eat it.” Remus replied.

“Lovely, mate.” James said, sniggering. “I’ll get set up then. Everyone ready for 20 minutes time?”

“Pete and I will go steal snacks from the kitchen!” Sirius volunteered the two of them, knowing Remus wouldn’t want to leave the safety of the dorm, even if it was for delicious food.

“Uh, sure,” Peter said, rolling his eyes but going along with it anyway.

James started hurrying about, gathering up the papers and notes necessary to DM a game of DnD with 4 other walking disasters.

Between the four of them and Lily, they all took turns DMing short 3-5 session adventures. Each of them had different Dm styles, with James’ being usually dungeon based. They were 2 sessions into a dungeon formed from volcanic magma tunnels which had cleared years ago, and then taken over by a cult of sorcerers worshipping Asmodeus, the lord of tyranny.

Sirius was playing a human blood hunter, Remus a werewolf wizard, Peter an elf rogue, and Lily as a half-elf Warlock with the Raven Queen as a patron.

  
On the way down to the kitchens, Sirius used the walk down to text Lily what was going on, including the fact that their DnD session had been moved to half an hour from then.

‘You assholes! We had decided to start at 4.30 I thought!’ She replied.

‘Rem needs the distraction!!!! Let the boy have some fun!!!!’ Sirius texted back.

‘Thats the only reason im not punching you’ Lily texted.

‘Boy, why do we put up with all ur threats’

‘Bc you love meeee’

‘Tru <3 bring your character sheet!’

With Lily informed, the rest of the trip to the kitchens was quick and easy, the two boys shoving the chips they’d swindled off the kitchen staff into the book bag they’d bought for that express reason, as well as leaving with a hot chocolate in each hand, and one held precariously between Sirius’ arm and his body for Lily.

Times like this, Sirius was really glad they’d bothered to make friends with the kitchen staff in their early years. Made for getting food from them really easy, and they got all the good gossip.

Heading back up to the dorm, they came across Lily in the common room, coming down the stairs from her dorm.

“After you, m’lady,” Sirius said, gesturing with the hot chocolate up the stairs.

“Why thank you, sirs.” Lily said, putting her nose in the air, then promply tripping over the first step as she tried to walk up it. “Stop laughing, it wasn’t funny!” She said, despite her lips curling up in the corners.

Sirius cackled and ran up the stairs, still somehow balancing the hot chocolates perfectly.

“James! Guess what your girlfriend just did!” He said, pushing the door open with his hip.

Inside the dorm room, he was greeted with Remus and James sitting on the floor, the latter with papers spread out around him, and a homemade DM screen separating him from Remus. Speaking of Remus, he had his back pressed against the wall in the customary paranoid Remus way, with his character sheet, dice, and note taking notebook spread neatly out in front of him.

“What happened?” James said.

“She tripped up on the stairs spectacularly, it was hilarious!” Sirius said, handing a hot chocolate to Remus then James.

“It was not! It was a very dignified fall, thank you very much!” Lily defended herself, coming in just behind Sirius, followed by Peter.

“Yeah Sirius, the little squeal she made was very dignified,” Peter said, also handing out hot chocolate.

Lily gaped at Peter, and giggled.

“You ass!” She said.

Peter smiled at her, and they quickly got ready for their Dungeons and Dragons session.

When they were all settled, James started.

“Last time, the group of you stumbled upon an old volcano, and upon investigating a little and some lock picking, you found remnants left behind by an order of mages, beholden to their god, Asmodeus. You’ve killed your way through the tunnels of this order, taking out the magical creatures that had been drawn to the location. Last time, you had just killed an orc party who had set up in the abandoned cave tunnels, and were venturing down the tunnel they said led to the loud bellowing noises.”

The session went on for a few hours, ending with them all killing a young red dragon, wrapping up that adventure.

Sirius was relieved to see Remus’ shoulders untense throughout the adventure, as he focused on the game. But when the subject of dinner was brought up as they’d finished just in time for it, his whole frame tensed up.

“You guys go, and bring Remus and me something back after, yeah?” Sirius said, familiar with this ritual. The Great Hall was not a good place for a paranoid Remus to be in, with the Gryffindor table in between two others, meaning that Remus had to have his back to the world, and people walking between tables, causing Remus to flinch each time it happened.

“Sure!” Lily said, dragging James and Peter out before they could say anything else. Not that they’d argue, they were both aware of how Remus was feeling, but Lily was just very protective of Remus.

Sirius dragged Remus over to his bed, sitting him at the head of the bed, and pulled out Peter’s chess set (which had been declared as a communal set upon him getting it for a birthday) and set up the board, knowing Remus wanted to be distracted when he was paranoid.

“Remember that time Lily used this chess set in her session of DnD and it was chaotic and beautiful?” Remus said, smiling at the memory.

“Yeah! With the spiders coming at us from all angles as well. Fighting on two fronts,” Sirius said.

The two boys played chess until Remus won, occasionally stealing looks at each others’ faces, smiling sappily at each other.

“You’re cute,” Remus said several times.

“Not as cute as you,” Sirius would reply and they would playfully argue back and forth for a bit.

“Hold on, I’m thinking!” Remus said. “But also, no, you’re cuter.”

Sirius would diligently be quiet until Remus had made his move, then would reply with a very mature, “I know you are, but what am I?”

When Remus won, and after Sirius had vowed revenge, the chess set got put away as they were both done with complex strategy for the night.

“We should play a prank on Peter and James when they get back,” Sirius immediately said.

“I had an idea for a long con the other day,” Remus said, a mischievous smile on his face. “We get other people in on it too, every time he puts a pen down, we take it. He’ll start going mad within days, I bet.”

“Remus, have you considered ever becoming a criminal mastermind? You’d be excellent at it,” Sirius said.

“Why thank you, dear. So you like it?”

“Like it? I love it! When do we start?”

“Let’s go through his stuff and take all his pens now,” Remus suggested, much more relaxed than earlier, so they did so.

Just as they were squirrelling all of James’ pens into the back secret base in Remus’ bedside table, they heard James and Peter coming up the stairs to their dorm, so they rushed back to Sirius’ bed and pretended to be sitting on it talking.

“Hope you’re decent!” James said, opening the door, carrying a plate with him.

“Unfortunately for you, we are.” Remus said.

“Unfortunately? As if I want to see your junk ever again.” James replied.

“We do live together, Prongs. Not sure how you could get away with never seeing our parts again.” Sirius said.

Peter came in after James, also holding a plate in his hand. He walked over and delivered the plate to Remus, who thanked him with a smile.

“I’m gonna become a monk. I bet they don’t have to deal with seeing each other’s penises everyday.” James said, depositing his plate on Sirius’ lap.

“Can’t date Lily if you become a monk,” Remus pointed out.

“I’ll be a rebel monk then,” James said.

Sirius ignored him in order to start eating. He was starving, as it had been a long day. Always was when paranoia was hanging around Remus like a storm cloud.

After they finished eating the delicious if slightly cold meal, Sirius went to grab Remus’ plate, as the other boy had finished eating as well, but Remus held onto it, causing Sirius to raise his eyebrow at the other boy.

“What’s up?” He said.

“I’ll come with you,” Remus said, and Sirius took in his boyfriend’s determined expression, defiant in a way, as if expecting Sirius to argue.

“Ok, if you’re sure,” Sirius said, trusting Remus knew his own limits.

“I am,” Remus said, standing.

With no problems, beyond Remus looking carefully around each corner before they took it, they made it to the kitchens, and dropped off their dirty dishes with apologies for stealing them from the Hall (which were quickly waved off by the staff).

As they walked back up to the dorm for what felt like the same trip for the hundredth time that day, for Sirius at least, the two boys held hands.

“Okay, Rem?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, better now. It’s only like a background thought now. Still there, just… less.” Remus said.

“That’s good then,” Sirius said, swinging their hands between them. “How long do you think it’ll take James to realise his pens are all missing?”

“Hm, I bet he won’t notice until he gets to class and realises there’s nothing in his pencil case,” Remus said with a smirk.

“He’ll probably just assume he took them out for DnD and forgot to put them back in.” Sirius said.

“You’re probably right. You are freakishly good at reading people.” Remus said, digging his elbow into Sirius with a friendly nudge.

“I was born this way, baby.” Sirius said.

They continued idly chatting until they got back to the dorm.

When they got there, Sirius flopped onto Remus’ bed.

“Ravish me,” he said, sitting up in a ‘sexy’ pose.

“Ravish yourself,” Remus said, rolling his eyes, but smiling despite himself, as he got into his pajamas.

Sirius pouted and opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted.

“There will be no ravishing while we are in here, thank you very much!” James’ voice came from the direction of his bed.

“Spoilsport!” Sirius called back, before lowering his voice to a normal level. “If there is to be no sexing up, then shall we watch something? New Doctor Who episode is out.”

“Yeah, okay,” Remus said. “I’ll set it up while you get out of that gorgeous crop top.”

Minutes later, they were snuggled up in bed, with a laptop open in front of them.

“Ready?” Remus said, his finger hovering on the button.

“Ready,” Sirius said, and they settled in for the night.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm wary of actually putting this anywhere online, because it feels very personal, but someone said they were interested in reading it, so I'm doing it anyway.
> 
> If you have any comments about the story, or questions about SzAD feel free to ask! 
> 
> Kudos and comments feed me and will inspire me to write more!


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